Tuesday, April 16, 2013
The last truly amazing thing ill ever do
Dear Brantley(fat baby or Mr.Clean is what we call you.),
Today, a year ago, you joined our family. Daddy and I got up at 4am to see if they had a room for us, then we gathered our stuff, whispered bye bye to your siblings and off to the hospital we went. My stomach was in knots, not the same kind I had with your sister (our first) but knots none-the-less.. Overall, I was just super happy that we'd be meeting you.
You weren't my worst pregnancy but I admit you weren't my best either. Your pregnancy brought on a whole new world of symptoms that I never experienced with the other two. I went from a normal, average, pregnant woman to a southern fainting belle. Yes, your pregnancy brought on fainting spells. This began around the second or third month. As we walked through the fair I became slightly light headed but it passed. Before long I just felt like I wanted to sit down (I wanted to sit so bad.). My eyes searched and searched for a seat or place but there was nothing in site and every seat we did come to was full of people.
This feeling came in and out. I stood behind the stroller (your brothers in it) and watched your sister climb onto a ride. Thats when it suddenly hit me, I had to sit down. I leaned into daddy and proclaimed my want to just sit. He asked how I was feeling and the little stars began to dance in my head. The next thing I know, I'm laying on the ground. Looking up at groups of people gathering as I fade in and out(so many people were concerned). Finally, I see daddy at my head and Meemaw walking up with sissy (who's in hysterics over what she's just seen.) I'm still fuzzy, the first words out of my mouth are where are my kids? (It's funny how no matter what happens to you, your first thought is about the kids.)
I had been holding onto the stroller when I fell, I took your brother over with me. Thankfully, he saw it as his own fair ride and was having a blast, just giggling away. As you know, I was ok and so were you but that kicked off the fainting spells that would last until you were born. Other then that, you weren't to bad of a pregnancy. It was the normal throwing up and crazy up and down energy I had with the other two.
I will give you this, you were certainly my easiest baby to deliver. Labor was only a few hours and I delivered you before the doctor could even arrive. One minute mommy is 3 cms and in less then 30mins we were ready to go. Just before my epidural, I felt like I had to use the restroom. I tried and tried but just chucked it up to the contractions (I could have swear I had to go, either way, be glad I didn't deliver you in the toilet.). In the middle of my epidural, I figured out what was going on. I could suddenly feel your little head pressing against the table as I sat hunched over. I insisted they either hurry it along or stop, it was pretty useless now, unlike your sibling you weren't in it for the long haul.
I should have known that, when we arrived that morning to find that I was already having contraction. Anyhow, the people insisted I just wait. I did everything in my power not to push but you were a persistent little thing. Finally, I was given the ok to lay back, where I then insisted to the nurse, that you were on the way. With one fast peep, she was off and running. Calling in every nurse near by, sending one to call the doctor quickly but it didn't matter. You weren't waiting for anyone, I delivered and the nurse pretty much played catcher. They had no time to prepare, the nurse was covered in what your dad refers to as "parts of my liver" because that's what he thinks placenta looks like.
Everyone in the room was full of an amazing energy. Lots of laughing and happiness as they stood in this shocking moment. Not one of them had expected it, nor had I. Only moments before, I was hardly dilated, the contraction were hardly felt...everything was normal. Then out of no where, the contraction were insanely intense and I was rushing your daddy back up stairs, from his lunch with nana, I just had a feeling it wouldn't be much longer. Boy, I sure didn't know the half of it. Your daddy is back in the room only a few minutes before you arrive. Your delivery was as simple as rolling over. I laid to the side and rolled to my back and there you were, my speedy little bundle.
You surprised us with your dark hair (brother and sister were blondes), this is something daddy and I debated over for months and now we had our answer. You were perfect and pure beauty. Before long, we were back at home and though you had a little jaundice, you thankfully didn't need treatments like your brother.
This year has flown by and you've changed so much. No longer are you a baby, no longer are you fully dependent on me. Your becoming your own little person, with your likes and dislikes. You love to laugh, I imagine you'll be quite the little comedian. Your determined to keep up with your sibling and you were a pleasant baby, now your a pleasant, active crawler(toddler?). You no longer live in my room and you don't wake me every morning with a pull of the hair and that cute little sly smile.
Just days ago, you moved into your own room. You slept like a rock and it was clear my presence was in no way needed anymore. These moments weren't hard with your siblings, they were happy moment. I was happy to celebrate their birthdays, move them into their own room and for them to grow less needing, in me.
This is not the case with you, your my last baby. Never again will I be pregnant, never again will I be the mom of a newborn. My time of bottles, bedroom sharing, baby kisses and all those other joys are now gone. I don't want to celebrate your birthday, I didn't plan you party or get decorations like I did for the sibs. I didn't buy you a present, to be honest, mommy is ignoring your birthday....mommy denial. I did make you a cake and everyone sung you happy birthday but I admit I'm not all that happy about it. Facing the fact that your no longer a baby, means facing the ugly truth, that I can't have anymore kids and I'm not as ok with it, as I believed I'd be.
Just the thought of you growing up bring tears to my eyes, your my last round of firsts. No more first Christmas', Easters, rolling over, crawling or teeth.(There are to many firsts to name.) Instead of feeling like your turning 1, I feel like your turning 18 and walking out the door. I never imagined a birthday would be so hard, I often laugh when people say they cried over their kid getting older.
I mean, I want mine to grow up, live life, move out and on but your the baby. You don't know this yet but the baby is always the special one and believe me you are. I'm sorry that you won't get the "baby" treatment around here, as the oldest child in my family, I know how it is to watch the baby be favored and I won't have that here. I just wanted to let you know that your super special in my heart because your the last truly amazing thing ill ever do. Happy Birthday!