Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Happy First Birthday

Dear Fish,

Today, a year ago, you joined our family. Daddy and I got up at 4am to see if they had a room for us, then we gathered our stuff, whispered bye bye to your siblings, and off to the hospital we went. My stomach was in knots, not the same kind I had with your sister (our first), but knots none-the-less.. Overall, I was just super happy that we'd be meeting you.

You weren't my worst pregnancy, but I admit you weren't my best either. Your pregnancy brought on a whole new world of symptoms that I never experienced with the other two. I went from a normal, average, pregnant woman to a southern fainting belle. Yes, your pregnancy brought on fainting spells. This began around the second, or third month. As we walked through the fair I became slightly light headed but it passed. Before long I just felt like I wanted to sit down (I wanted to sit so bad.). My eyes searched and searched for a seat or place, but there was nothing in site and every seat we did come to, was full of people.

This feeling came in and out. I stood behind the stroller (your brothers in it), and watched your sister climb onto a ride. That's when it suddenly hit me, I had to sit down. I leaned into daddy, and proclaimed my want to just sit. He asked how I was feeling, and the little stars began to dance in my head. The next thing I know, I'm laying on the ground. Looking up at groups of people, gathering as I fade in and out(so many people were concerned). Finally, I see daddy at my head, and Meemaw walking up with sissy (who's in hysterics over what she's just seen.) I'm still fuzzy, the first words out of my mouth are "where are my kids?" (It's funny how no matter what happens to you, your first thought is about the kids.)

I had been holding onto the stroller when I fell,  I took your brother over with me. Thankfully, he saw it as his own fair ride and was having a blast, just giggling away. As you know, I was okay, and so were you, but that kicked off the fainting spells that would last until you were born.  Other then that, you weren't to bad of a pregnancy. It was the normal throwing up, and crazy up & down energy I had with the other two.

I will give you this, you were certainly my easiest baby to deliver. Labor was only a few hours, and I delivered you before the doctor could even arrive. One minute mommy is 3cms, and in less then 30mins we were ready to go. Just before my epidural, I felt like I had to use the restroom. I tried and tried but just chucked it up to the contractions (I could have swear I had to go, either way, be glad I didn't deliver you in the toilet.). In the middle of my epidural, I figured out what was going on. I could suddenly feel your little head pressing against the table as I sat hunched over. I insisted they either hurry it along or stop, it was pretty useless now, unlike your sibling you weren't in it for the long haul. 

I should have known when we arrived that morning - to find that I was already having contraction. Anyhow, the people insisted I just wait. I did everything in my power not to push, but you were a persistent little thing. Finally, I was given the okay to lay back, where I then insisted to the nurse, that you were on the way. With one fast peek, she was off and running. Calling in every nurse near by, sending one to call the doctor quickly, but it didn't matter. You weren't waiting for anyone, I delivered and the nurse pretty much played catcher. They had no time to prepare, the nurse was covered in what your dad refers to as "parts of my liver" because that's what he thinks placenta looks like. 

Everyone in the room was full of an amazing energy. Lots of laughing and happiness as they stood in this shocking moment. Not one of them had expected it, nor had I. Only moments before, I was hardly dilated, the contraction were hardly felt...everything was normal. Then out of no where, the contraction were insanely intense and I was rushing your daddy back up stairs, from his lunch with Nana, I just had a feeling it wouldn't be much longer. Boy, I sure didn't know the half of it. Your daddy is back in the room only a few minutes before you arrive. Your delivery was as simple as rolling over. I laid to the side and rolled to my back, and boom, there you were. My speedy little bundle.

You surprised us with your dark hair (brother and sister were blondes), this is something daddy and I debated over for months and now we had our answer. You were perfect, and pure beauty. Before long, we were back at home, and though you had a little jaundice, you thankfully didn't need treatments like your brother. 

This year has flown by and you've changed so much. No longer are you a baby, no longer are you fully dependent on me. You're becoming your own little person, with your own likes and dislikes. You love to laugh, I imagine you'll be quite the little comedian. You're determined to keep up with your sibling and you were a pleasant baby, now your a pleasant, active - crawler(toddler?). You no longer live in my room, and you don't wake me every morning with a pull of the hair and that cute little sly smile.  

Just days ago, you moved into your own room. You slept like a rock, and it was clear my presence was in no way needed anymore. These moments weren't hard with your siblings, they were happy moment. I was happy to celebrate their birthdays, move them into their own rooms, and for them to grow less needing, in me. 

This is not the case with you, your my last baby. Never again will I be pregnant, never again will I be the mom of a newborn. My time of bottles, bedroom sharing, baby kisses and all those other joys are now gone. I don't want to celebrate your birthday, I didn't plan you party or get decorations like I did for your sibling. I didn't buy you a present, to be honest, mommy is ignoring your birthday....I'm in full strength mommy denial. I did make you a cake, and everyone sung you happy birthday, but I admit I'm not all that happy about it. Facing the fact that you're no longer a baby, means facing the ugly truth, that I can't have anymore kids, and right not, I'm not as okay with it, as I believed I would be.

Just the thought of you growing up bring tears to my eyes, your my last round of firsts. No more first Christmas', Easters, rolling over, crawling or teeth.(There are to many firsts to name.) Instead of feeling like your turning 1, I feel like your turning 18, and walking out the door. I never imagined a birthday would be so hard, I often laugh when people say they cried over their kid getting older. 
I mean, I want mine to grow up, live life, move out and on, but your the baby. You don't know this yet, but the baby is always the special one, and believe me - you are! I'm sorry that you won't get the "baby" treatment around here, as the oldest child in my family - I know how it is to watch the baby be favored, and I won't have that here. I just wanted to let you know that your super special in my heart, because at the end of the day, you're the last truly amazing thing ill ever do. Happy Birthday!











10 comments:

  1. Ah the poor baby in the last photo. :( Looks very happy though in all of them.

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    1. :) no worries, you never would have known he was hurt.

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  2. This is sooo beautiful! He will treasure this when he is older and reads it! I felt the same way after my last one was born. I cried buckets the last time I breastfed him, knowing I would never be nursing a baby again. It was also hard to pack away his baby clothes, knowing i'd never have another baby of my own to hand then down to. This was really a great post and brought back so many memories for me. Thank you for that.

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    1. Thank you so much for visiting and leaving a comment. I absolutely love your blog, Im so happy you enjoyed my post. To be honest, I had a much better one in my head but I kept procrastinating writing it because I knew it would tear me up further. I mean, it was hard enough not to flood the cake with tears. In the end, I procrastinated so long, I lost what I had going through my head.

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  3. Cute kids ;)
    I found you through the Bloglovin Hop hosted by http://www.funnypostpartumlady.org/ Follow me back?
    http://mightyknittingchick.wordpress.com/

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  4. Thanks for sharing this... I cried. LOL I'm such a sap!!

    Thanks for joining us over at Showin Some Love blog hop!!
    http://modernhippiemomma.blogspot.com/2013/04/showin-some-love-hump-day-blog-hop_17.html

    <3 Amanda*

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    1. Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting.

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  5. Hello! I came across your blog via the Blog Hop. I'm so glad I did! I now follow you. Please visit my blog, and if you enjoy my post, please "Like" and/or leave a comment. I appreciate the support.

    Thank you,

    Vashti Q

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    1. Thanks so much for following and leavening some comment love.

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