Wednesday, April 24, 2013
You Are My Sunshine
Hello minions, today's Randomness Wednesday isn't the normal thoughts of the week. This week I decided to do a post to my daughter. She's been on my mind a lot this week. It all started as I watched her play at my brothers house. She was playing with all the Tweens, and I could she how much she's grown and changed. How she's becoming so much more aware of those around her and what they think.
I watched as she twirled her hair and did a little dance in place as she tried to mimic an older child's behavior. She's trying to fit in, and she has the adorable role, down perfectly. She's becoming more of her own person with every passing day. My week has been full of flash backs of her as a toddler, and thoughts of what she may become. So here we go...
I'm sure you don't remember this nickname. It was the very first, and I'm pretty sure we stopped calling you piggy once you could talk. I know that it sounds terrible, but it was the first thing that came to mind, the first time I got to fed you. It was as if you were starving to death, though your size would say different, but we'll get to that.
Lets start from the beginning.
You were our 4th pregnancy, I was expecting to lose you, just as I had the others. After the miscarriages, an ovarian cancer scare, and what seemed like endless negative pregnancy tests - we gave up. Your father, and I stopped trying.We just lived life, and one day....BOOM, I'm sick all the time, and here comes a positive pregnancy test. We're happy, if only for a moment. Our happiness is clouded by our past, our fear of losing you outweighs our happiness for now.
With every passing milestone, we grow happier. Though my fears still remain, every night I lay down hoping not to wake in blood. Hoping you'll stay, and the day will come when I get to meet you. To say that your pregnancy was nerve wracking would be an understatement. It only got worse once you began to move and kick. In a way, I felt at ease because I knew you were alive, but on the days you were less active, I'd worry so much. My head would feel with what ifs, I just wanted you to arrive and be healthy.
Daddy really wanted a boy, we decided to leave your gender a surprise. I felt like you were probably a girl, but I wanted a boy first as well. We bought some boy things, and knew that you'd be named after daddy. Of course, we had a name for a girl, just in case. I wanted to name you Nevaeh, but a few weeks before you were born, I heard the name Makayla, and knew it would your name. The moment I heard it, something clicked, and I knew you were a girl.
You were past due and had to be induced. I felt like a nervous wreck inside. I don't like to be unsure of things, and I really don't like hospitals, so the two combined made me feel crazy inside. Labor went on forever, I ended up having to get the epidural. I wanted to do it without, but I was already so tired, and at the time, had a long - long night ahead of me. Little did we know, once the epidural was done, and my body had a chance to relax, we were having you before the night was over. You were greeted by daddy, Meemaw, Nana, your great grandma, and your great-great grandma. (This alone should tell you are loved. Could you imagine these people all up in your business? I think not.) You were defiantly brought into the world in a room full of love. It was a fairly fast delivery but you required a little help.
My dear sweet girl, you weighted in at a whooping 9lbs 5oz, and were 21 1/2 ins long. Though I was happy to have you out....my vagina was not as happy, your wonderfully broad shoulders cost me a deal of stitches. No worries, you were far too cute to hold it against you. It was also not the last time I would feel like someone was tying me up like a shoe...tightening the laces as they go. ( I imagine you'll read this in your teens, and it will be disturbing. Later in life, you'll understand and get a kick out of this, like when you're a mom. Promise.)
I held you for a moment, and then demanded they take you away. I wanted every minute I could get with you, but the fear inside me screamed to have them check every inch of you. I had to be sure that you were okay. I feared it was too good to be true. As if you'd die in my arms right there if I didn't have you looked at. You were healthy, strong, and all your parts were accounted for.
With that being said, the first time you latched on to feed, you really latched on to feed. You made the perfect little hungry piggy squeals, and smacks. From that moment on, you were my little piggy. Your Meemaw, and daddy agreed, but your Nana could have had a cow! She would launch into hysterics every time we called you piggy. It drove her crazy, and it wasn't a forever nickname since I wouldn't want you to feel self conscious, but deep down - you'll always be my little piggy.
Right now, at the age of five, I could see you as a chef. You have a love for food and cooking.You're love for cooking became apparent when you decided to make mommy and daddy breakfast. You crept from your room to retrieve the eggs and ranch. I admit, for only being 1yrs old at the the time, you were very sneaky, and super smart. You took those eggs and cracked them into you play pan, on your play kitchen stove. More amazing than that, you managed to open the ranch, and add it to your pan. At the time, it wasn't very cute or funny, and it took forever to clean up all the eggs that didn't make it to the pan. Okay, so it was cute, but I certainly didn't find it funny? Now, it's a cute little story that everyone laughs over.
If you're not a chef then you'll be a comedian of some sort. From the time you could, you've been throwing out jokes, and making up your own crazy acts. You're very lively and will no doubt end up being the life of any party. You're much like your granddaddy in that way,(it's strange to call him that, he died before you could know him, and mommy doesn't talk about him, I don't imagine that will change but just know, that he wasn't always an awful man.) he always found a friend. No matter where he was, or what he was doing - he could find a friend in someone, and he was always willing to help others. You're a lot like this, you find friends in everyone. You're protective, loving and have a helpers heart.
This past year, you came to know our senior gentlemen neighbor. Knowing that he lives alone, and that not many people come to visit him, you wanted to do something nice. You caught me by surprise, Christmas Eve, you came to me and asked it we could invite him to our family party, or at least take him some cookies. This melted my heart, I may ruin you...it could happen, but right now, I'm doing something right.
I felt this same pride last week. We had a meeting with your Pre-k teacher, she only had wonderful things to say about you. You're ahead in everything, and your teachers couldn't be more in love. I already knew you were smart, and that you could behave yourself ,(when you want) but what your teacher had to say about your best friend, made me prouder than I ever thought I could be.
You see, your best friend is a very sweet little girl with Down syndrome. I noticed on the school field trip, and on random visits to the school, that the other kids don't talk to her, or play with her as much as they do the others. However, you spend your time reading to her, playing with her, and helping her. Your teacher says that she can tell you have a very special place in your heart for her.
I made sure from the start, not to place a label like Down syndrome on this little girl. When you first met her, you came home mad at her. She had "stolen" your lunch box and insisted it was hers. You were so mad at her, you let an "I hate her" slip. We sat down and talked, I asked you exactly what had happened. You tell me that you both have the same kind of lunch box, and she took yours. I asked you if you had ever gotten confused, or mixed up before? Of course your response was yes.
I didn't tell you the things my parents would have told me. If I were you and this were my parents talking, they'd just tell you to be nice because she's not right in the head....yeah, forgive any of your older relatives, I'm pretty sure they live in another world. Here's what I told you instead:
"Everyone gets confused every now and then. Some people get a little more confused then others. She didn't take your lunch box to be mean, and she didn't refuse to give it back to hurt you. She was simply confused, and I'm sure she was sorry for mixing them up. Hate is a very mean, and strong word. It's okay if you don't like what happened, or if it made you feel bad, but it's not okay to hate. You wouldn't like it if someone hated you because you got confused, did things differently or made mistakes, so you should never hate anyone else."
You took my ramblings and turned them into so much more than I could have imagined. You went from not understanding, and having an enemy, to having a best friend. Someone you look after as if they were your own little sister. Honestly, I take no credit for it. You're an old, and amazingly good soul. You have this wisdom about you, as if you've lived on this earth forever. Everyday you amaze me with just how great a little person you are.
I know that we don't always get along and I imagine that you think I "hate" you from time to time. This will probably stay that way until you're grown. You're a mini me, you're a tiny clone of myself. We butt heads, we drive each other crazy, and you're only 5. You're very independent, if you could have been born walking and talking...you would have. If I'd let you get a job and move out, you'd be gone. You're stubborn and you feel the need to stand up for the things you believe in. Like I said, you're a tiny me. From your sassy attitude, to your sweetie pie side, it's all me. I have a feeling that we have a long road ahead of us, and a lot of head butting to do, but in the end - we'll be the best of friends.
So far, I'd have to say that I'm raising a pretty amazing, pig headed, slightly annoying, amazing smart, extremely loving, and beautiful (inside and out) little person. You will always be my miracle baby, my little piggy, my princess, and the first person to teach me what love at first sight is. You'll always be the first baby I ever breastfeed, the first person to hears how my heart beats, and the first person I've ever worried about more than anything in the world. No matter who you are, what you become, or how evil you think I am.....I will always love you, be there for you, and hold your hand when you need it. You've taught me so much in such a small amount of time, and all my baby firsts were with you.
You will forever hold a special place in my heart, as the first truly amazing thing I've ever done in life. You will always be my sunshine.