Thursday, May 9, 2013

Digging up the past: Part Two

(This is part 2, if you need to catch up *click here*.)

This blank page stares at me with what I believe to be a smirk of victory. I'm unsure of where to start, I don't know much about my fathers childhood....I guess the best thing I can do is a breakdown, though I don't know how much I really have to offer on his first 21 years before me.

1. My father was not a high school graduate. I'm not 100% sure why but I imagine it has to do with the fact that he wasn't very book smart and he felt like he had better things to do. You know get high, party....that sort of thing.

2. My father was a child of divorce. I'm not really sure how this effected him. I wish I knew if his life was balanced between his parents or if the divorce was a big struggle. I know that my granddaddy married a mutual best friend and I'm lead to believe that everyone loved her just as much as they did their real mother. These aren't things that I feel I can ask his family, personally I imagine answers like its none of your business, is what I am likely to get.

3. My dad and his brother were caught trying to roll up and smoke grass or hay (can't remember which.). As I hear it, my granddaddy made them smoke it and they got really sick but "learned" their lesson....I guess that was just for the time being.

4. My father was messed up before I came along, though I did not cause him to be that way.....I did not help it either. I believe he was further tormented once I came along. He had so much worry with what a disappointment he was to his family that the realization that he'd also be a huge disappointment to me, was far from helpful. You'd think that would make him want to change but apparently that guilt wasn't enough.

5. My dad was an abusive man but never laid a hand on me. I believe this is due to the fact that my mother left him and took me because of his abusive actions. I feel 100% sure that he never hit me because he didn't want mom to take his rights away or the family to stop giving him money. (Money being the biggest motivation.)

6. My father never shared memories of when I was younger and I never saw a picture of myself in his home. I'm not sure what he did with my baby pictures but I can only imagine he tried to erase me...just as he did with everything else.

7. He was the least favorite, no matter how hard he tried. He felt this, it tortured him and pulled him further from family as well as reality.

8. All he wanted was approval, when he saw he couldn't be as good as his brother....he gave up.

9. If all the things my mother and father said are true. His family wasn't very nice. He did a lot to help them and he never ran from a chore like his brother but having money seemed to mean more. It didn't matter if he was a kind, helpful man, he didn't have that college degree and high paying job so he wasn't good enough.

10. My father was the true southern man. He loved hunting, fishing, farming and BBQ. Sadly, his biggest love was getting drunk, getting high and forgetting about the world....which included me. 

11. Before my mom had left, he had already had a replacement family lined up. He would much rather be feeding his addiction with someone who would do the same. The crackhead hoe-bag (common street corner, junky type.)  went from an on the side thing to his new love. (Yay for me, well discuss that later.)

I'm not sure what all I will find on this journey but I will continue to learn and recall all that I can. At least until the lost little girl in me feels the inner peace she's been searching for. 

6 comments:

  1. Hey there! Here from the Blog Hop! Just wanted to let you know I'm following you via Bloglovin' :o) Hope you'll get a chance to check me out!

    Bloglovin'
    http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/3718883

    Blog url
    http://www.croppedstories.blogspot.com

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  2. Wow, this sounds eerily familiar to my own dad. He had a horrible childhood and recreated that for my brother and me. Found out in my 20's that he had died 2 years earlier. Found you on the TGIF Blog Hop and I'm subscribing to your blog. I hope you find peace with this situation some day.

    Penny at Mom Rants and Comfy Pants

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    1. Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing with me. It can be so hard for some people to break the habits of their parents. Thanks for the kind words and following.

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  3. Found you on a hop. I am sorry things have worked out the way it has with your father. Though I cannot change situations from the past, I can certainly cheer you on while all of us are building our futures. Best wishes to you and your family!

    Clayton
    http://www.claytonpaulthomas.com

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for the kind words and stopping by.

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