Monday, July 29, 2013
5,000 Page-Views (Welcome to Boot"Camp")
Minions!! The time has come!!! All you fantabulous minions have helped my little blog reach 5000 page-views. I never really thought I would get into the hundreds, let alone into the thousands. Of course, it is all due to you guys for coming in, and keeping up with my insanity!
I have met a lot of great bloggers while on my blogging journey. Some who are very different from me, and some who leave me wondering if I'm experience multiple personalities that portray my in different forms. That is totally normal, right? Haha.
With this milestone approaching, I sat pondering on what kind of post I could do to repay thank my awesome minion army. Infomercial products you should run from? No, to small. Hmmm.... Recipe?... No, no, that is to everyday-ish. Finding sexiness in your local fat slob?... Wait what? Ewww... No.
That's when it hit me, like the spoon of an angry, arm flailing infant. A post on my minion army, and what NoHumdrumMums training would intel sounds like just the post. Yup, you read it right. If I were a branch of the "military", this is what my branch would be like.
Welcome to the minion army.
Stage one: Boot "Camp"
Lets face it, if we wanted to camp, or live like we were. We would be crunchy hippies living in the woods, or we would join a real branch of the military. No, our Boot "Camp" does not consist of shared bunks, and random barrack raids.
Instead you will find yourself flown off to my private island. (Yeah, fantasy me..is big ballin') This is were you will check into my resort style "camp". Private rooms, with giant beds that feel as if you were sleeping on a cloud.
There is no PT in this army, no forced runs, no brutal training. Of course, you will have the options of gyms, spas, spin class, yoga, and all the butt shaking dance work-out you can imagine.
There will be no need to cook, no worries, and no mess halls either. You can have dinner brought up to your room, or take your pick of the many restaurants on site. Sorry, no McDonald's, or Wendy's here. No slop, or frozen/reheated meals. Food comes fresh from the island, as does the meat. That's right, I am flying my own farm animals in.
Stage 2: Minion Training
Alright, all branches have a purpose, meaning we do as well. My minion army is well trained in the art of sarcasm, epic parenting, and stepping outside of the box. We pride ourselves in being a bit different, walking a path of our own, and yes, even superpowers..(shhhh, that ones a secret.)
Upon arriving, and settling in, you will be given a radioactive shot. This of course, gives you super human abilities. Never again will you worry about others opinions, that box of chocolate you mastered 10 minutes ago, or that bottle of Brandy you just downed. I know! More chocolate, and brandy? What could be better?
At NoHumdrum-Mums boot-camp, you will have the ability to let your "give-a-damn" be busted. Our super power shot will take care of those second chins, swing-set arm flaps, and yes, even the dreaded baby pouch you're carrying around.
Here you will learn to be zen, so zen, it's almost like you don't care...almost. You will embrace the positive in the world, and in your life. You will demolish negative thoughts, behaviors, and actions in the world. You will have good taste in music. (no more "beaver" fever here, haha.).
Here, you will reach the ultimate level of extraordinarily epic awesomeness! Free thinking, high spirited, and full of love... Kind of like a hippy, but less broke...and dirty.
Stage 3: Added perks
1. The fountains flow booze, and hell yeah I have a room where everything is editable. Screw Willy Wonka, you've never lived until you've taken a bite from a steak tree.
2. I figured out how to grow money trees!! 'Bout time? I know right!
3. There are NO kids at bootcamp!!! That's right, at least a month of kid free living, and training. (Note: My army requires a minimum of 1 months training, though longer stays are encouraged, and welcomed.)
4. The island is full of celebrities. Yes, the rumors are true. All the great singers, comedians, actors, and actresses are on the island. Most came to train, but they always end up sticking around. As awesome minions, they make the choice to stay, and offer incoming minions live entertainment.
5. Once you receive your shot: hangovers, calories, diseases, and old age are a thing of the past. I'm making sexy immortals, without all the dead vampire-ness.
Stage 4: Returning To the World.
Yes, you have to return to world. I know, so sad. However, you will have plenty of fellow minions, stupid people won't bother you, and you will be on a mission. At least returning won't be that boring.
As for the mission, all I require is that you go out, send back more minion cadets, and help take over the world. Totally simple.
Now, you don't have to go home...but you can't stay here!! Go spread the word, grow our army, and continue to be the fantabulous minions you are.