Friday, July 19, 2013
Googling with NoHumdrum-Mum
Today, I asked google one of the oddest questions I think I ever asked. Ok, maybe not the oddest but its up there with "What is blue waffle?" And "What does "shrimpin" mean sexually?".
Hello my good friend google. What is it called when you bedazzle your vagina? Google, being awesome like it is- answered quickly. Google says (because it talks to me...that's normal.) "NoHumdrumMum, bedazzling your vagina is referred to as VAJAZZLING". (Yes, google calls me by name, were down like that. Also, google talks like Neil Patrick Harris in queen mode. *snaps fingers* alright girlfriend. )
Google goes on to tell me how if it had a vagina it would totally be Vajzzling. After all, google was all over that when it first came out. (Google has a big ego, it thinks it knows everything first. If you're keeping up with the "jones", you're really keeping up with google...shhh don't tell. I only know cause I got google drunk last week.)
Anyhow, I put google in check and said let me see some vajazzled ladies. *wink wink* show me the skin google. So here I sit, looking at vajazzled vaginas! (I call that one sprinkles) haha.
Just when I think my relationship with google couldn't get any stranger, it throws in a whole new world of glittering your junk. Yes ladies, your man can now bling out his Penis. That's right stick and balls, all. Needless to say, I had to question google.
"Oh google, what do you call it when you bedazzle your dick?" Oh, honey. Neil Patrick Harris....(I think he's using his magician and ninja skills to channel in through google.) goes into a fit because I must live under a rock. Everyone knows that bedazzling your dick is called pejazzling.
"Fine Neil, I'm clearly behind. Stop the drama queen tantrum and show me some blinged out cocks." Of course, he gladly agreed. Apparently he's in search of a new style to use for his boo. (I call this one shaft of mirrors.... With a surprise.) Haha
Oh dear bob, how did I end up here? Looking at blinged out vaginas and penis'? I blame Neil, but hey, since he brought it up...we should talk about it right? I think we own him that much for all the laughs in the Harold and kumar movies, as well as How I Met your mother....and we'll I could go on.
Here's my thoughts on the vajazzle/pejazzle fade.
1. What in the hell is wrong with people? Lady, your vagina looks like a Pinterest craft gone wrong. Get that crap off and move on.
2. If you have to put cheap bling on your private parts to make someone what it....you might just want to put it away. Spare yourself the trouble of picking jewels out your crack.
3. How do you go to the bathroom? (If you looked at the pictures I linked to, you'd be saying the same thing.)
4. How many of those little jewels travel up stream? Are you peeing them out like stones...for days?
5. Doesn't that just get annoying rubbing around all day? I mean, if you're going to spend all that time putting it on....it would only make since to make a day out of it. Lets be realistic here people, none of this makes sense. I would love to see a mom get up, throw her vag jewels on and then go about the day.
HA!! I'm lucky to get a shower in with the three I have. I often shave my legs with an audience. Yeah,that would be great. Sitting on the toilet, one leg on the counter, one on the wall....strategically turning my vagina into a flower. When BAM, the bathroom door flys open and I fall to the floor in a panic. As questions are then quickly fired at me. Horrible questions like "mom, can I do that?" "Mom, do mine." Omg...I almost threw up.
After the emergency therapy trip for my kids....and myself, I'll return home to do the daily chores. Ok, so kids tootle off to bed and I'm faced with what's left over after a long day. Personally, I imagine this to look like a shiny case of herpes, you know, if herpes were shiny cheap jewels that venture where no jewel has ever gone before. If that image isn't enough to make you run then the thought of picking little jewels out of your vagina should be.
6. If your vagina looks like a busted piñata, no one is going to touch it...no, hoe, not even with a ten foot pole. Wipe the confetti off and move on...oh my bob, girl is that a tootsie roll in your snatch? You really were planning on a fiesta.
7. Men, I know ladies love them some Twight light. I realize you want to get in on the sparkly vampire love feast that is Edward Colin, but dipping your penis in a bag of jewels is not the way. If you show up at our doors and pull out captain winky in a glitter suit...we're going to laugh, shut the door and tell all your friends. Remember that....write it down, save yourself the shame.
8. If it slows sex down its not worth it, just skip that crap.
9. Isn't this a choking hazard and a possible risk of someone vomiting on your down stairs. Sure, it was pretty for minute, made them want to get their face all up in you, and it was all fun and games....until they choked and puked in your vagina....I'm just saying. Is it worth the risk? I think not.
10. Just grow some balls and pierce something, stop glueing things to your body like a 4yr old, there's something you should just give up.