Thursday, July 4, 2013
Survivalists Gone Wild!
Naked and Afraid
Have you seen it? Have you heard of it?......No? Well, please allow me to fill you in on Discovery Channel's, Naked and Afraid. At first seeing this tittle on the guide, I admit, my mind went naughty.....naughty places. (What can I say? I should have been a dude.) Of course, once you realize it's on the Discovery Channel...how naughty can it really be? So it's not porn, it says naked and that's usually worth checking out.....boy, was I in for a surprise.
For those of you who have seen the show, you understand my uncontrollable laughter and utter disbelief in our world going anywhere good. You see, Naked and Afraid is apparently a show where two people,(man and woman from what I can see.) who survive in a wilderness....of some sort.
The episode in question features two people in the African Serengeti. These two people will remain in the wilderness for 21 days.....naked....with nothing. No supplies that I can tell of and well....no damn clothes. No clothes? Yes, NO clothes......in the wilderness!!
Now, there are many places I can go with this but here's where I liked to start.
Dear Discovery Channel Film Editor,
I would like to apologize to you on behalf of the world! You poor, poor, person. How your eyes must burn from all the random anal and crotch shots. Some of which, include an angry vagina, what a horror show that must have been. I imagine it was like flashes of a murder scene, as if someone had recently challenged her vagina to a sword fight....that she had sadly lost.
I hope that you were paid huge sums of money to watch these shots, and to edit them, for our poor eyes sake, at least. I really appreciate it, from the bottom of my heart....no really, from the bottom of my soul. Your finely placed blurs, saved my eyes a ton and my mental health as well. I admit, the things I did see...were at times, mentally debilitating. Some imagines can never be removed from the mind, they're just burned there. However, your epic use of the blur, saved me a very high shrink bill and lots of liquor. I commend your work sir, and bow down to you, as an artist, in what you do.
One, slightly less disturbed woman.
Now, on to all the things wrong with this show.
1. Both people are naked! Now, I like to be naked but I don't feel the need to stick my butt on rocks, or in dirt.
2. These people are not a couple....this makes it just weird. Ha, like it wasn't strange enough.
3. On day 13, this woman sits in...a stream of some sort. She then slides her bleeding vagina, through the mud!! OH MY BOB....through the mud! If that's not bad enough, she then spreads her legs open, toward the flowing water and basically.....hold on...you won't believe it.....I'm for real you won't......ok, I'll tell you......with her vagina!!!! To make it worse, I'm pretty sure, no one in the world has ever sounded so happy when saying the words. "Yay, a fish in the crotch."
4. These people must have no idea that cameras are all around them, cause they do not fear bending over in front of them. Really, I need to see the mass of dirt and crap, shoved up your crack. It was truly the highlight of my day....you know, in the totally NOT, kind of way.
5. No one needed to know you were experiencing your cycle lady!! My thoughts were on over drive when they split up to find food and he's complaining about his infected foot. He comments that he's afraid it will be the "wounded animal" effect...meaning something may eat him. In the mean time, this woman is crotched down in the middle of a field, under a tree, in the middle of the night....bleeding. Predators are all around, cackling and looking for a quick meal.
Can't you just see where I'm going here. What is this dude complaining about? Oh yeah, sure, your poor foot. This lady has nothing to protect her, she's been walking around, leavening a trail of blood....all day. Now, she's crotched under a tree....wafting the lovely period aroma....that must smell like dinner to a hungry predator. I mean really, put some clothes on lady, close your legs and get the hell out of there. You're about to experience getting "eat-out" in a whole new way!!! RUN Forest,RUN!!! (Admit it, you just said that in your head like Jennie. Don't lie, I know you did.)
6. From what I can see, there is no money involved. As far as a reward for all your insane, naked, wilderness traveling. I could forgive you if say 10,000 dollars were on the line, sure, you're not AS crazy then. However, getting nothing in return, for suffering in the wilderness and dragging your vagina through the mud is just insane. I'm just saying, if you want me to drag my parts through the mud, you better be offering a whole lot of money. Sure, I'll do it all day long with clothes on, for free. Naked, no thanks, you're going to have to pay for that one buddy.
I think I'll end on that note. Watch it, don't watch it, I don't know. It was good for a WTF kind of laugh but the burning in my eye and mind, may never stop.
Then again, the clip for next week, has a buff, military dude....who just might be worth the watch. Though, the fact the Discovery won't show it ALL, might make me mad. So, Mr.Editior, I might be upset with you next week. I'm just saying forget the nip slip and give us a little "tip" slip, bahahahahaha.